Welcome to the annual NBA tankathon, the absolute pinnacle of pro sports! Each year, the worst teams in the league compete in a cutthroat battle to see who can finish last in the standings. The playoffs are approaching, but who cares? I know I’d most definitely rather watch professional basketball teams lose on purpose. So, here’s a review of your 2019 NBA teams tanking for that top spot in the draft.
The NBA tried to pull the rug out from under us this year with some new lottery changes, but Sam Hinkie’s ghost can’t be defeated that easily. The tank is still going strong in the NBA, and it’s the most entertaining spectacle in all of sports. There’s a few newcomers and a lot of old faces, but the game remains the same.
Here’s a reminder of how the tank works. The worst three teams in the NBA (record-wise) all have a 14% chance at the number one pick, regardless of conference. The fourth worst will have a 12.5% chance, and the fifth will have a 10.5% chance, with the odds continuously scaled downwards. The 14th worst team will have a 0.5% chance at the top pick, and any team that made the playoffs are, of course, irrelevant. Winning basketball sucks anyways.
Our Proud Finalists
This year has four finalists for the top three spots in the lottery. These teams are the New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Cleveland Cavaliers, and, last but definitely not least, the Chicago Bulls.
Heading into the year, the Knicks were heavy favorites to win the top pick. New York is 14-62, leading the group with a terrific 18.4% win rate. They’re a full 2.5 games ahead of the second seed and have won one game in their last 15. Oh yeah, the worst team in the league is guaranteed to have a top-five pick. Hurray for New York being bad at basketball again! Those three years with Carmelo Anthony were just too much to handle for Knicks’ brass, weren’t they?
Meanwhile, the Suns have also turned in a strong showing. However, it wasn’t always expected to be that way. In fact, some people even had them as low as the eighth seed in the West! Silly geese. Why give your young players meaningful playing time to develop when they can wallow in perpetual awfulness? Phoenix has been in the lottery nine straight years in the running, and we should’ve never doubted them. The returning champions of the NBA tankathon are back with a 17-60 record. They’re currently second in the rankings and don’t look to be slowing anytime soon after six consecutive losses.
Now, Tristan Thompson once wisely postulated that the East still ran through the Cavaliers, and he wasn’t that far off the mark. Standing proudly at number three, the Cleveland Cavaliers have only won 19 games thus far. They can boast the most total number one overall picks in NBA history, with six. Cleveland even once drew three number one overall picks in a four-year span, cementing the one true dynasty in tank history. After a terrible showing in 2018, Cleveland has finally cut ties with LeBron James. We’re sure Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is just glad to be back in the lottery. And, hey, maybe this time Cleveland will win a championship before LeBron does.
Finally, we have the Chicago Bulls, the old stomping grounds of many a great tank commander. Cameron Payne, Michael Carter-Williams, and Justin Holiday are just a few of the names who once roamed their hallowed court. This year, Zach LaVine has had the great fortune of taking up this mantle. Unfortunately, the Bulls are still two games out of the third seed with just five games left.
To be honest, we’re only including them as finalists because nobody likes a championship game with only one team, right? We can’t count the Bulls out, however, as Chicago is no stranger to miracle turnarounds. Back in 2008, the Bulls leveraged a 1.7% chance into the number one overall pick, landing future MVP Derrick Rose. Chicago fans will no doubt be hoping they can see a similar suprise this season. And with a seven-game lead on the fifth seed, at least they can safely hold onto their spot.
Can Anything Drastic Happen?
Now, just to paint a better picture of the tankapalooza, here are some key match-ups for our contestants. As we all know, the players on the court actually don’t try to lose on purpose. Who knew that professional athletes could actually care so much about winning? As such, we’re going to take a look at the upcoming schedule, to see if it could make a difference.
Unfortunately, we only have more bad news for Bulls fans. The Bulls and Knicks will actually square off twice in the next two weeks, in a clash of titans. The rest of their schedule doesn’t get any better, as Chicago will only play two games against teams with a win percentage over .500.
Cleveland, in the meantime, will be playing the Sacramento Kings, Golden State Warriors, San Antonio Spurs, and Charlotte Hornets. This is a perfect slate of games for the Cavs to really drop in the standings, although one key match-up is the Suns on April 1. A loss there could really help them seal off the Bulls for good.
The Suns, on the other hand, aren’t as lucky as the Cavaliers. When we factor in Devin Booker’s recent hot streak and the Suns’ upcoming schedule, Phoenix might actually win a few games. They face three other tanking teams themselves, including the Dallas Mavericks, the New Orleans Pelicans, and the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Jazz and Rockets are the only two teams above .500 that they play. Fortunately for Phoenix, they still have a healthy lead on the Chicago Bulls, four games to be exact. Although they might cut it a bit close, it’s probably safe to pencil in the Suns in the top three.
Three Teams To Watch
Two teams that have also made a late surge for a top spot in the draft are the Washington Wizards and New Orleans Pelicans. While not contenders for a top three spot, they could still nab themselves a decent shot at selecting first. The Wizards have quietly gone 3-7 in their last 10 games, falling out the playoff picture completely. We’re not quite sure whether or not this was on purpose, but Washington now has a 23.1% chance at a top-four selection.
New Orleans has unapologetically tossed all facades of trying to win games after Anthony Davis’ trade request derailed their entire season. Injuries have also piled up, and New Orleans won’t have Jrue Holiday, Darius Miller, or E’twaun Moore for the rest of the season. Davis is also sidelined with “back spasms” for the next few games, leaving behind a roster of G-Leaguers. As a result, the Pelicans have gone 2-8 over their last 10, including a masterful six-game stretch to begin March. They’re now tied with the Wizards for the eighth seed, making their last four games vital as ever.
Another interesting team to keep an eye – the Dallas Mavericks. The Mavs have gone on a tear recently, losing 18 games out of their last 22. Dallas is now a healthy sixth in the standings, but don’t forget that they owe their 2019 pick to the Atlanta Hawks. It’s top-five protected, which means it’d be quite a tragedy if it didn’t fall in there. Their main competitor is ironically the Hawks at the fifth seed, 2.5 games ahead. Their chances of landing inside the top-five right now are around 40%, which means there could possibly be some very exciting drama here.
The Lakers’ Last Push
Of course, no basketball discussion would be complete without the Los Angeles Lakers, even if they really aren’t that good of a basketball team. After elimination from the playoffs, the Lakers are doing the smart thing. It may not be what NBA fans want, but which front office actually cares what the fans want? The tank is on for Zion, but the Lakers are still quite a few ways off from the number one overall pick. They currently only have a 2.5% chance of landing the top pick, but you never know. LeBron-associated teams always seem to find a way to dig up a bit of extra luck when it comes to these matters.
The Lakers’ haven’t made the playoffs since 2013, and they made sure it didn’t happen this year either. They’re still 4-6 over their last 10, but that’s going to change soon. LeBron will sit out the last six games of the season, much to the delight of the Lakers fans who bought tickets. Los Angeles will face five playoffs teams in their next six games, which is flat out excellent. If they lose all six, they can potentially increase their odds at a top-four pick to around 20%! Pump those fists Jeanie Buss, that 2% chance at the top pick might be big enough for it to not be called rigged.
The Final Picture
At the end of the day, you never know what could happen. After all, being the worst team in the league still only gets you a 14% chance at the top pick. It all boils down to luck, and that’s what makes the NBA tank such an exhilarating watch. Here’s a final look at the NBA standings, courtesy of Basketball-Reference. Good night, and hopefully your favorite NBA team will end up the tank sometime soon.
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| Eastern Conference | W | L | W/L% | GB | PS/G | PA/G | SRS |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Milwaukee Bucks* (1) | 57 | 19 | .750 | — | 117.5 | 108.1 | 8.71 |
| Toronto Raptors* (2) | 54 | 23 | .701 | 3.5 | 114.3 | 108.4 | 5.32 |
| Philadelphia 76ers* (3) | 49 | 27 | .645 | 8.0 | 115.3 | 112.1 | 2.91 |
| Boston Celtics* (4) | 45 | 32 | .584 | 12.5 | 112.4 | 108.1 | 3.78 |
| Indiana Pacers* (5) | 45 | 32 | .584 | 12.5 | 107.9 | 104.3 | 3.07 |
| Detroit Pistons (6) | 39 | 37 | .513 | 18.0 | 107.5 | 107.5 | -0.24 |
| Brooklyn Nets (7) | 39 | 38 | .506 | 18.5 | 112.0 | 112.3 | -0.89 |
| Miami Heat (8) | 38 | 38 | .500 | 19.0 | 105.6 | 105.6 | -0.37 |
| Orlando Magic (9) | 38 | 39 | .494 | 19.5 | 106.4 | 106.3 | -0.24 |
| Charlotte Hornets (10) | 35 | 40 | .467 | 21.5 | 110.9 | 111.9 | -1.27 |
| Washington Wizards (11) | 31 | 46 | .403 | 26.5 | 114.4 | 117.2 | -3.12 |
| Atlanta Hawks (12) | 27 | 49 | .355 | 30.0 | 112.7 | 118.6 | -6.26 |
| Chicago Bulls (13) | 21 | 56 | .273 | 36.5 | 105.1 | 113.4 | -7.95 |
| Cleveland Cavaliers (14) | 19 | 58 | .247 | 38.5 | 104.5 | 113.8 | -8.94 |
| New York Knicks (15) | 14 | 62 | .184 | 43.0 | 104.8 | 114.2 | -8.83 |
| Western Conference | W | L | W/L% | GB | PS/G | PA/G | SRS |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden State Warriors* (1) | 51 | 24 | .680 | — | 117.5 | 111.8 | 5.73 |
| Denver Nuggets* (2) | 51 | 24 | .680 | — | 111.1 | 106.9 | 4.26 |
| Houston Rockets* (3) | 49 | 28 | .636 | 3.0 | 112.9 | 109.4 | 3.97 |
| Portland Trail Blazers* (4) | 48 | 28 | .632 | 3.5 | 114.3 | 110.4 | 4.16 |
| Utah Jazz* (5) | 46 | 30 | .605 | 5.5 | 111.2 | 106.2 | 5.09 |
| Los Angeles Clippers* (6) | 46 | 31 | .597 | 6.0 | 115.1 | 113.6 | 1.50 |
| San Antonio Spurs (7) | 44 | 32 | .579 | 7.5 | 111.9 | 110.3 | 1.86 |
| Oklahoma City Thunder (8) | 44 | 32 | .579 | 7.5 | 114.1 | 111.0 | 3.15 |
| Sacramento Kings (9) | 37 | 39 | .487 | 14.5 | 114.1 | 114.8 | -0.53 |
| Minnesota Timberwolves (10) | 34 | 42 | .447 | 17.5 | 112.6 | 113.8 | -0.86 |
| Los Angeles Lakers (11) | 34 | 42 | .447 | 17.5 | 111.9 | 113.8 | -1.69 |
| New Orleans Pelicans (12) | 32 | 45 | .416 | 20.0 | 115.5 | 116.3 | -0.54 |
| Memphis Grizzlies (13) | 31 | 45 | .408 | 20.5 | 103.0 | 105.5 | -2.02 |
| Dallas Mavericks (14) | 29 | 46 | .387 | 22.0 | 108.5 | 110.1 | -1.07 |
| Phoenix Suns (15) | 17 | 60 | .221 | 35.0 | 107.0 | 116.3 | -8.50 |